"Let Them" - a helpful interpersonal technique

Edinburgh Psychology & Coaching

Aug 31

2 min read

Updated: Sep 3

A popular concept by Mel Robbins, known as the "Let Them" theory, can help with interpersonal difficulties and self-esteem. One of our CBT therapists, Sev Ulgu, has written the following helpful short article on this topic.

Sev Ulgu, CBT therapist at Edinburgh Psychology and Coaching — Sev Ulgu, CBT Therapist at Edinburgh Psychology & Coaching

"Let them.

Then, let me."

Someone doesn't agree with your decision?

Let them.

Someone is disappointed by a boundary you've set?

Let them.

Someone behaves differently from how you hoped they would?

Let them.

But this isn't about becoming passive, ignoring difficult behaviour or pretending that we don't care.

The second part may actually be the most important:

Let me.

Let me decide how I respond.

Let me consider what is within my control.

Let me communicate my needs.

Let me set the boundary.

Let me choose where I put my energy.

From a psychological perspective, the underlying principles are not entirely new, with clear overlaps with established research on psychological flexibility, acceptance, and perceived control.

Research into psychological flexibility highlights the importance of being able to make space for experiences we cannot necessarily change, while continuing to take action that is consistent with our values. Similarly, research on perceived control and coping suggests that our relationship with what we can and cannot influence plays an important role in psychological well-being.

This reminds me of something I often come back to in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy): What is actually within my control here?

We can't always control:

→ how someone interprets us

→ whether someone likes our decision

→ another person's emotions

→ whether somebody changes

→ what has already happened

But we can often influence:

→ how we respond

→ what meaning we give the situation

→ whether we communicate

→ the boundaries we put in place

→ what we choose to do next

And there is an important difference between acceptance and approval.

Accepting that “this is what is happening” doesn't mean saying “this is okay.”

Sometimes acceptance simply allows us to stop fighting with the reality in front of us long enough to ask: “Given that I can't control their part, what would I like to do with mine?” Perhaps that's where some of our energy is better spent.

Let them.

Let me.

Of course, ‘letting them’ doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour, abandoning boundaries, or ignoring situations that require action. It is important to note that, like any simplified framework, this has its limitations and won’t fit every situation, but it can offer an accessible starting point for exploring acceptance, control and personal agency with clients.